Current thoughts

Ever just feel so...so....hopeless?  So full of doubt and strife, so surrounded by suffering, so filled up with sadness and confusion, that a feeling of hopelessness is the only thing you can articulate?

Yeah, that's me right about now.  I mean don't get me wrong: I get up every morning, get dressed go to work, laugh A LOT each day, have some good moments working with some severely traumatized youth (so good moments are really really good and far and few between), return home, enjoy my new little house, and repeat.  I am enjoying life.  But what is going on in this world has me feeling hopeless.

The separation, the lack of understanding, the lack of listening, the deafening silence, the privileged, the underprivileged, white, black, blue, etc., makes me sick.

I think it makes me sick because of where I stand...right in the middle of it all.  That's not to say that I don't have beliefs.  I very much do.  And don't worry, I'll tell you all about that in a second, but the people in my life cover all the ends of the spectrum and every where in between, and all of this push and pull and just straight silence from different people that I care about has me feeling hopeless. There is so much "them" and "us" and not enough "we".

For my black friends, thank you.  From the bottom of my heart thank you- for helping me understand white privilege, for being patient with me while you explained to me all about your history, your past, and the injustices that threaten and disable you, for narrating for me what life is like for you- in a country founded by white men for white men, for your forgiveness of my many oversights, and for always pointing out where privilege has played it's role in my life while you just busted your ass.  Thank you.  Thank you, and I'm sorry that I didn't learn all of this sooner.  I'm sorry that I'm still learning.  I'm sorry that I have privileges that I seemingly can't escape from because so many are just inherently a part of the skin I'm in.

For my white friends, I ask you to consider a few things:
-When you get pulled over by the police, or walk past a police officer on a street, do you at all feel scared that the police officer himself would harm you?
-Do you ever think that someone would consider you a dangerous/threatening person because of the color of your skin?
-Can you admit that our country was not founded on the premise of liberty for all, but rather just for the white men and women who originally habited it?
-Can you admit that men and women of color have had it extremely hard even since the abolishment of slavery?
-Can you consider how quickly this would all be resolved if all the powerful white men in this country became passionate about the black lives matter movement?  I mean really, think about this.  Think about all of the powerful, mainly white, mainly men in this country.  Think of the control they have over so much of what happens here.  Now think about what would happen if they too decided that black lives matter and that black lives are currently under attack...
-Think about the phrase 'silence = violence'. Remember in elementary school when you learned about bullying and you were told that if you are a bystander and do nothing then you are just as guilty as the person/persons that are actually bullying?  The same applies here.

One of my very good African American friends keeps saying this: "Black lives matter does not mean that black lives matter ONLY, it means that black lives matter TOO."  And I think we can all admit that the history of this country as well as it's present state does not necessarily reflect equality amongst people of different races.

To wrap up I'll say this: On Friday I went to a vigil for all the young men and woman who were killed by the officers who are supposed to protect us and my eyes were opened even wider- to the issue, to the possible answers, but more than anything to my privilege.  As much as I tried to relate, tried to feel the pain, tried to be a part of the cry of the black community, my privilege, or shall I say the color of my skin, still only allowed me to go so far.  That, my friends, is the issue.  The divide is the issue.  The ladder, rather than a bridge, is the issue.  We need more bridges.  We need more powerful white men who care.  We need more restoration and peace.  We need more people to be heard. And I say 'we', because if one of us is affected, we all are affected, or we all should be affected, so let's act like it and do something.

Thoughts from an over-worked social worker

I am no expert on children.  I don't have them, I don't want them (biological ones that is), and I practically still am one.  However, working year after year with children who are victims of trauma has led me to consider that our typical, go to punishments for children may not be what they really need.  Especially those children who have a high number of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE's).

Children who have experienced trauma act out and misbehave as a reaction to that trauma, as a reaction to being hurt and confused and angry, and more scientifically as the outcome of negatively affected brain development in the frontal lobe (the decision-making part of the brain).  Sitting them in time-out and never addressing the foundational issue of their behavior does absolutely no good, and in fact, it simply makes the child even more angry and more prone to act out in the future.

However....I have no idea what the right thing is to do.  I feel like a broken record.  I have had conversation after conversation with child after child regarding what it is that they are so angry and hurt about and healthy ways to express that anger, and the child continues making poor choices.  I don't know the answer.  I don't have one.  I sure as hell would like a guidebook to this because right now I am lost.  I feel angry and hurt and sad and scared, yet I am well aware that the depth of my own feelings in no way comes close to comparing to the depth of the feelings of the children I am working with.  I am well aware of the privilege involved in the light load that I carry. 

Yet I am breaking inside watching these children struggle- watching a little boy cry and say he wants to go home knowing full well that the home he so deeply desires to go to is not the shelter, knowing full well that his concept of home is forever ruined.   I hold back tears seeing a child's medication make him one person in the morning and a stranger in the afternoon, I weep to see the mother- so hurt and confused and more than anything bound down by the systems that placed her in this shelter and provide for her and her family this less than acceptable healthcare.  I cringe at the sound of children being called "fucking assholes" and "worthless pieces of shit", all while understanding that the parents speaking those words, were, as children, taught and told those exact lies.  I am frustrated at the reality, yet I understand the causes.  I am perplexed as to how I should work within cultural boundaries to slowly chip away at the foundation of these issues and empower individuals to change.

I am sad and I am scared and I am sickened by the systems that perpetuate the causes of these issues...And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. 

Hey.

Hey there.  Thanks for joining me.  I’m honored and so very humbled that you’re interested in reading about my thoughts, or just about my day, or even about my most recent success failure.  If you don’t know me (though I’m certain most of you do), I’m Kerri.  My mom would describe me as very outspoken.  My dad would describe me as empathetic to a fault (like when I was eager to forgive the two men that robbed me during one of my first nights in Argentina).  My sisters would say that I am the firecracker of the group- immensely passionate to the point where I often speak too much.  I just like to think that I am a social worker and a Christian whose commitment to the Lord commands that I care about and act upon issues of injustice and that I daily seek to meet individuals where they are- in their pain, in their suffering, in their hunger, in their hurt, in prisons, in the streets, in hospitals, in places of refuge and places of danger.  However, if I just made myself sound like a martyr, then please forgive me, and know that I am far from perfect.  In fact, day in and day out I spend a large amount of time just plain pissed off by the world we live in and the shitty hands dealt to some innocent individuals.  Yes, I said shitty.  I’m a Christian and I swear (only when I’m certain it’s appropriate though).  I spend every single day somewhere in the middle of “Oh, I just did my devo for the day and God is so great and I am going to make a difference today and have so much patience and love others like Christ loves them, and not get upset with obstacles that stand in the way of my clients or I accomplishing goals,” and  “this freaking sucks.  Why do I continue to do this?  There is too much hurt and hopelessness in the world for my tiny self to make even a speck of a difference and GOD WHY DON’T YOU JUST COME END ALL THIS SUFFERING NOW?!”  I swear that this is my brain on a daily basis, so if you have not run from your computer in fear yet, welcome.  I think you are here to stay.

Other than being a social worker, I’m an activist, a democrat (might as well just put it out there…though there is nothing more I love than good, informative debates with people that hold different viewpoints-these are the moments where I learn and grow the most), a person that loves and treasures community, a traveler, a Spanish-speaker, and I like to think- a global citizen.  After you’ve studied abroad and really immersed yourself in a new culture and called a new place home, you start to see this bigger picture.  You start to look at your life and the culture you come from and realize that those ways are not necessarily the right ways.  In fact, there are no right ways, there are just cultural ways, and global citizens tend to be more aware and appreciative of all the ways.  I come from a big family who I love dearly, despite the fact that I was always the child that got sent to time out for talking back.  Airgo being the outspoken, passionate, firecracker girl.  Surprised?

So that’s me in a nutshell.  I can’t really promise you that this blog is going to change your life, or that I’m going to teach you how to re-decorate your house or do a cool DIY craft.  In fact, if that is what you’re looking for- this is not the place because art class always stressed me out more than math and that’s saying something.  I HATE math.  I do, however, hope that this blog makes you ask questions and look at the world in new ways.  I can’t say I’ll have answers, but I would LOVE to ask questions with you.  I would love for this to be a community of people-all people from any background desiring to see the world, or their state, or their city or even their block and the people that inhabit it in new, more intentional ways.  Join me on this journey?